However, there's a secondary issue here as well, which SanFran seems (blindly) willing to ban: fun. Specifically, children having simple fun with simple toys. The toys one finds in children's meals are usually very simplistic, with little mechanization and rarely with any electronic features. These toys are usually aimed at younger children (as are the meals themselves), and serve not only to give a child a memento of a favorite movie or television character, but also stimulate a child's imagination and creativity. That is, enjoyment of the toy must come from the child's mind, since most such toys actually "do" very little. (I find this a pleasant contrast to the fact that many older, pre-teen children as well as teenagers seem to be welded to the various electronic gadgets available today, to the detriment of their being able to enjoy physically demanding games such as Operation or Mouse Trap.)
There are several younger children in my family, and something they greatly enjoy when visiting is the Tin full of Tiny Toys®. This is a tin, formerly full of holiday popcorn (more junk food! YES!), but which is now quite full of small, easily-handled (easily-misplaced, and easily-stepped-on-later) toys, many of which are of course "kids' meal" toys. So, let me now present to you, in direct opposition to the City of San Francisco, the following
CELEBRATON OF "KIDS' MEAL" TOYS!
This first photo is of the three unique toys in the tin; unique in that each of these toys is the only one from a given fast-food franchise. L to R: Porky Pig Christmas ornament, Arby's; Star Trek: Deep Space Nine mini beach ball, Dairy Queen; Nacho & Dog basketball game, Taco Bell. (By the way, just to be clear, this article is about fast-food toys in general, as a broad concept; that's why there aren't any portraits or multi-views of any one specific toy.) Porky here literally doesn't do anything; he's a Christmas ornament (look close, you'll see the eyelet atop his hat); yet the kids certainly enjoy playing with him -- even if it's sometimes just as a bowling pin. The ST:DS9 ball, when inflated, represents a starfield and has a cutout of the U.S.S. Defiant hanging (i.e., "floating" or "hovering") inside. The basketball game is the most involved: the little plastic basketball sits in one of several pockets along the front edge of the game; the child slides the yellow launcher tab under the ball, then releases the tab which springs the ball toward the clear plastic hoop. The trick is not so much in aiming but in springing the tab with the right amount of force. Too little, the ball just falls back to the pockets; too much, the ball ricochets around the game's shell. By the way, it is possible to make a basket in this game. I know. I have done this.
A number of toys from Burger King kids' meals. Obviously several Disney characters here. The blue garbage truck on the right is from CatDog. The green rectangular do-hickey in the back is a magic trick fashioned to look like a remote control (from a series of animated commercials). Specifically, it's a truly basic version of the Vanishing Closet trick: slide open the drawer; insert a small object; close the drawer; wave hands and chant over trick; re-open drawer to show that small object is now gone. Oh, and make sure you tip the trick in the right direction, and chant loudly enough to cover the mechanical click caused by tipping the trick. ("What mechanical click? Nothing to see here, folks. Move along now, move along.")
Several toys from McDonald's Happy Meals. Yes, City of San Francisco, I said MCDONALD'S HAPPY MEALS. The tall gray dude in back is Megatron from Transformers: Animated (and for that, I apologize). Before him are the Penguin car, Batmobile and Cat Woman car from Batman Returns (and you can see that the Penguin and Cat Woman vehicles look exactly like they did in the movie. I mean, exactly). In the lower left and right corners are a Big Mac and a Chicken McNugget pack which both transform into dinosaurs. (Now that's freaky. ...Considering what they smoke out there, you'd think the SanFrannies would totally be okay with meal toys [Oh, hey, I just realized this as I'm typing: these dinos are literally meal toys!].) And front and center is that well-conceived marketing character, Mac Tonight. Yes, aside from certain breakfast cereal mascots, there's no character in American marketing more successfully tied to his product in the minds of Americans that
Ah, now here is the realm where I am king: Hot Wheels cars from McDonald's Happy Meals. There's a long history between Hot Wheels and McDonald's, going back to at least the late 1970s. Such cars fall generally into three categories:
1) mainline Hot Wheels cars (that is, cars that are the same models available in stores;
2) cars that are variations of mainline cars (different names, different features, etc.); and
3) "That's a Hot Wheels car?!!?".
Clockwise from lower left, we have Rivited, Thunderblade, Firestorm, Bold Eagle, Alien Crossers (green and blue), 2K57 Glo-Rider, and I Candy. Half these models fall into the "variation" category: each is based on an existing mainline model, yet has distinct differences from the original. For example, this I Candy is in detail a perfect duplicate of its mainline model ... but is noticeably larger. Hot Wheels are described (inaccurately) as "1/64th scale"; this version seems to be the in the 1/50th scale range. Why would Mattel produce a larger version of a model for which it already had standard-size dies? To quote Peter Venkman: "I don't know." Oh, by the way, Rivited and I Candy do a trick! Watch! ...Let me just ... find the switch here...
Boo-yaaahh!! Hot Wheels on FIRE, baby!
So, thus ends my little tribute to kids' meal toys -- with a photo of two toy cars which, for no important reason, have red LEDS inside, with sealed batteries I can't replace when they go flat. And thus it's very clear at this point that this is EXACTLY THE WAY TO COMBAT THE ASSAULT ON KIDS' MEAL TOYS!!!!! Or perhaps it isn't. Anyway, I had fun writing about my toys, you had fun reading about them, and that's what counts: we had fun. So, take your family out to your favorite (or nearest) fast-food place, buy your kids a kids' meal each, wave the included toys in the general direction of San Francisco and go "Nyaah-nyaah!", and most of all enjoy spending time with your kids. Teach them about our Constitution, teach them that there's a big difference between having a simple set of rules and having self-important dimwits trying to regulate everyone's life, and set aside time to have real fun, like running around outside, playing ball, playing together at family boardgames, playing with Hot Wheels or G. I. Joes (or playing with Hot Wheels and G. I. Joes -- now that rocks!). Shut off the PlayStation, the Wii and the Atari 2600 (huh?!?), and show your kids how to have fun with real toys and real equipment while playing with real friends outside. Me? I'm gonna go get a McRib.
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